Today I woke up to a message from a friend asking for advice. A family member’s baby was delivered stillborn this weekend, a month before her due date. Since Stella and Joy passed and I started this blog, this is the third time someone had reached out about a friend or family member experiencing stillbirth. What the hell is going on? How is it that it is 2018 and we live in the United States, not some third world or developing country, but we are still dealing with this everyday? Approximately 1 in 160 pregnancies end in stillbirth.
“Stillbirth might seem like a tragic relic from a bygone era, but it’s relatively common. About 24,000 stillbirths, defined by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention as the death of a fetus at 20 weeks of pregnancy or later, occur every year in the United States.
Overall, stillbirth is 10 times more common than SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).This is not the case in every country. The World Health Organization ranks the U.S. stillbirth rate 25th in the world, with 3 per 1,000 babies stillborn. Top-ranked Iceland’s rate is less than half that. And the United States has made some of the slowest progress of any country in reducing stillbirths.
Between 2000 and 2015, the U.S. rate declined by 0.4 percent per year, putting us at 155th out of 159 in the world. We were joined at the bottom by Chad and Niger.Unlike other countries, the United States has no national system to report and evaluate stillbirths, though the CDC says this is a crucial step in reducing them. About half of stillbirths are unexplained. Stillbirth experts say that the government’s failure to fund data collection and stillbirth evaluation is preventing progress. So too is the lack of insurance coverage for autopsies and genetic tests after a stillbirth. If we don’t know more about why they happen, we won’t be able to prevent them.” Source
155th out of 159 in the world. 24,000 babies every year who don’t get to take their first steps, say their first words, breathe their first breath. Thousands of mothers and fathers who never get to hear their babies cry. I can tell you, the silence is deafening. The silence that comes when there is no heartbeat on the Doppler. The silence that comes when you deliver a sleeping baby. The silence that comes when you have to tell people that your children died. I don’t know how to change this. I don’t have the resources to make this problem go away. All I can do, and will continue to do, is educate and support those who need it. For now, here are some things you can do to support someone who has experienced stillbirth. They may not hold true for everyone, but they do for me.
- Don’t be afraid to say our children’s names. You aren’t bringing up or reminding us of something painful, because we haven’t forgotten. We will never forget. Speaking our children’s names shows us that you remember, that they matter, that that you care.
- Be patient. We may push you away or distance ourselves, we may not attend all of the events and gatherings we used to, we just need time. Time to adjust to our new reality. Time to figure out where we go from here. Time to find our new identity.
- Get to know the “new me.” Stillbirth alters a person. It changed who you are at the very core of your being. We are not who we used to be. Pieces may still be there and be the same, but as a whole, we have changed. Take the time to get to know us again.
- Don’t take it personally if you don’t get a response to an email, text, call, etc. Believe me when I say every message is read and appreciated, but sometimes just getting through the day is hard. Thank you for caring, thank you for reaching out, and please don’t stop.
- Simple acknowledgement goes a long way. “I know you’re struggling and I’m here if you need me” or “Just wanted you know I’m thinking of you” can be the best message to receive. You are acknowledging and validating our feelings without putting on pressure for a response.
- Don’t stop checking in because “enough time has passed.” In the very beginning there is a sense of shock. Then, a part of me felt like I had to put on a show for people. There were always people at my house. For about 2 weeks, we constantly had people coming over. But then it stops. The rest of the world moves on. There will never be “enough time.”
- Remember that moms need to physically heal as well. The pain of stillbirth doesn’t end when you hear the words “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.” The baby still has to be delivered. Whether naturally or via c-section, a stillborn baby is still born.
- Don’t forget about dad. A father lost their child too. He will try to be strong. He will put on a brave face for his partner and his family, but he is grieving all the same. Be sure to acknowledge his pain too. It is real and it is raw.
I hate that this is my life. That I have any sort of insight on this matter. I wish things were different, but if my insight can help even one person or one family, I’m happy I can be that person for them.
