To My Darling Daughters, Stella & Joy,
As your brother’s 1st birthday approaches, I am forced once again to reflect on what I have missed, what I was robbed of. I was robbed of watching you grow and change and develop during your first year of life. I was robbed of taking monthly pictures, forcing you into matching outfits with stickers on your bellies. I was robbed of deciding on a theme and having your dad create invitations for your 1st birthday party. I was robbed of being able to celebrate the first year of what should have been amazing lives.
Every milestone I experience with your brother, I also think of you. I think of opportunities lost and moments taken. I wonder when you would have hit those same milestones. Would it have happened at the same time? Would you have crawled the same way? This should be the third time I am watching a child, my child, hit these milestones. This should be the third first birthday I get to celebrate and plan. I am so sorry we never got these moments together.
I know my life seems consumed with your brother. My social media accounts and phone and conversations are overflowing with pictures and videos and stories of what your brother has done or is doing. Please know that I haven’t forgotten you. I will never forget you. You will always be my first and second children. My daughters. The ones who made me a mother. My love for you is never-ending.
As we prepare to celebrate, I still mourn and miss you. I always will. But, I know you will be there. Your Stella-bear and Joy-bear will be sitting in their rocker as they do every day and night. Your shadow boxes are displayed prominently, right next to your brother’s, on the living room wall. Oliver may have brought us light and happiness in a time of darkness and despair, but he has not and never will replace the two of you.
Thank you for being my firsts. Thank you for making me a mom. Thank you for showing me the depths that a person’s love can reach. I wish so much that I could have seen you reach your milestones. I wish I could have celebrated your 1st birthdays and all the birthdays after that. I wish I could have watched you grow into the amazing, beautiful young women I know you would have been.
I will always love, I will forever miss you, I will never forget you.
With more love than you can ever know,
Mom
