10 months. It has now been 10 months since Stella & Joy both entered and left this world. My world. I am officially in double digits. I don’t know why, but this feels like a turning point. Like the world around me has officially moved on. Like people are saying “its long enough, time to move on.” (No one has actually said that to me, just to be clear.) There is something more permanent about double digits. I don’t know what it is or why, but it just feels more real. Just two more months and it will be a year.
I know my whole world hasn’t moved on. This affects people everyday. My daughters, though their time with us was brief, have impacted so many. My parents who struggle with the fact that they lost their first grandchildren. My best friend who had a breakdown while touring a NICU at a hospital for work. My husband, who works out-of-state and has to cope with the loss of his daughter alone during the nights we are apart. I know I am not the only one affected. But sometimes it feels that way.
At times, I feel guilty. Guilty for going a day without “being affected”. My grief comes in waves, thought the time between swells is getting longer, I find the swells are bigger when they do come. I may go days or even weeks without breaking down, but when I do, I do it hard.
I still struggle to make sense of it all. Why me? Why us? Why my daughters? I still wonder what I could have done differently and blame myself at times. I was their caretaker. I carried them inside me. I knew them. I think about the what ifs. What if I refused to leave the hospital Tuesday night? What if I went in Thursday like I was originally scheduled instead of waiting until Friday? What if I went in sooner on Friday? I dream about who Stella and Joy would become. Would they have kept their red curly hair? Would they have been right-handed or left-handed? Would they have started to look more identical?
10 months. 10 months of wondering and what ifs. 10 months of missing part of my heart. 10 months of struggling to come to grips with my new reality, my new life. I don’t think I will ever fully understand or accept what happened. Stella and Joy brought so much happiness and light to my life, even before I met them. Even though their passing brought such sorrow and devastation, I would do it all again. My daughters taught me so much about unconditional love, overcoming fears, and accepting that I can’t do it all alone.
As I continue on this journey, I know I will have good days and bad. 10 months is a long time, but a lifetime is so much longer. I am “lucky” to know women who have walked this path before me. I hate that we are connected by this, but I am thankful to have such a wide support network.
All I know for sure, after 10 months it isn’t any easier. I miss my girls…
Stella & Joy,
Not a day goes by that you are forgotten. Your lives have touched so many people and I am so proud to be your mom. These 10 months have only made my love for you grow stronger. Please watch over your still growing brother or sister. I can’t wait to tell this little one all about you and how lucky we are to have you watching over us. You are so loved and so missed by so many people.
I will forever love you,
Mom
