October

Well, its come again…Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t aware. I wish I was still blissfully ignorant and enjoying watching my daughters grow up. Other times, I wear my experience as a badge of honor. I have been able to be a pillar of support for a friend who went through a recent miscarriage. I was one of the first blogs a friend-of-a-friend read after losing her child. My advice was sought out to help a friend whose family member who just had a stillbirth. I wish I was never in this position, but I am glad I can use what I have been through to help others.

At times, I feel like people think I should be better now that Oliver is here. Like I shouldn’t be sad anymore because he is here and healthy. That’s not how grief works. I will be a grieving mother every minute, of every day, for the rest of my life. Just because I smile, enjoy myself, and have fun doesn’t mean I’m magically better. Just because I post pictures of Oliver and shower him with love and affection doesn’t mean my heart has suddenly healed the two gaping holes that exist where Stella & Joy should be. I will never be fixed. I will never be better. What I will be is an advocate, and a mother who forever fights to keep my daughters’ memory alive.

October, while most often and publicly know as breast cancer awareness month, is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. This month we remember all the babies who were born sleeping. The babies who were carried, but never held. The babies we met, but never really got to know. The babies who came home, but weren’t able to stay.

When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. ~Ronald Reagan

I was naive, uneducated, and unaware of what stillbirth was. I knew about miscarriage. That’s why we waited until we reached 13 weeks to announce that I was pregnant with the twins. We waited for the safe zone. I knew about SIDS. That’s why I made sure the crib and bassinet were free of blankets, toys, and other dangers. I didn’t know about stillbirth. I didn’t know that each year about 24,000 babies are stillborn in the United States alone. I didn’t know that there is more than 10 times as many deaths as the number that occurs from SIDS. I didn’t know about kick counts. That I should be watching and feeling for patterns and not just whether or not I felt the babies move that day.

I know now. I know that you can go 35 weeks and 5 days being pregnant with basically no complications and have it all come crashing down. I now know that you can go in for a routine non-stress test and hear the deafening silence of no heartbeat. I now know that you can look at an ultrasound monitor, knowing exactly where each organ should be because you’ve had so many ultrasounds at that point, and not seeing that glorious flicker where your daughter’s heart should be. I now know that you can lose both babies in a twin pregnancy. I now know that you still have to deliver those babies that you carried for months. I now know that you still have to go through all of the after birth experiences like postpartum bleeding, engorged breasts, and c-section incision pain. I am no longer naive, uneducated, or unaware.

This October, I still encourage you to Go Pink! Raise money, promote research, and support/remember those whose lives have been impacted by breast cancer. I also encourage you to throw in a little blue. Go pink and blue to remember those babies and families whose lives are forever changed. To remember my Stella and my Joy.