PAL, an acronym I was never familiar with. Pregnancy After Loss. That’s what they call it, a loss. So much was lost that fateful Friday. The obvious loss, our beautiful daughters Stella and Joy. What people don’t see is all the other losses that come. First cries, first laughs, first steps, first birthdays. Mother’s days, father’s days, birthdays, holidays. The everyday routine that never had a chance to come to fruition, the sleepless nights that are sleepless for a different reason. The “loss” never ends.
Just as rainbows bring beauty after a storm, a rainbow baby brings hope after a loss. Rainbows don’t erase the storm. We still see the grey sky, water, and even some wind. But, rainbows bring beauty back to the once darkened land. This new baby, our rainbow baby, doesn’t erase or negate the loss of our angles or lessen the depth of our pain, but it does bring hope and light back to our lives.
For now, I feel a sense of calm and excitement. I have found a great deal of support through Facebook groups. The number of women and families affected by miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss is overwhelming. It helps to have people who know your pain and journey.
I have family, both by blood and by choice, who love me and check in on me frequently. I have coworkers who have gone as far as sitting on the floor of my classroom with me when I was too emotionally weak to stand. I have a husband who is the most caring and supportive man I could ever ask for. I am lucky.
This baby, our rainbow, our future, is not going to be easy. I’m going to need my support systems. I’m going to need to continue seeing my therapist and taking care of my mental health as much as my physical health. This rainbow does not, nor will it ever, erase the storm that came before. Stella and Joy will always be my daughters. They will always be my first born and they will always be a part of our journey. This baby will know of his/her sisters that came before. This baby will never erase our pain, fill the hole in our hearts, or replace our daughters. This baby is our next chapter.
