pregnancy and Infant Loss – When There Are No Words

In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widower or widow. When parents lose their child there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defect, SIDS, and other causes.”

Well, here we are again. October has come. For one month it’s slightly more “acceptable” for me to talk about my daughters and stillbirth. Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month is about educating others and remembering & honoring all of the babies gone too soon. Miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss touches more lives than anyone will ever fully get.

Here are some stats for you:

1 in 4 women will lose a baby during pregnancy, delivery, or infancy
70 babies – a school bus full of children – will be stillborn today
1 in 160 pregnancies will end in stillbirth
50% of the time, a cause is unknown
Kick counts aren’t as important as recognizing kick patterns
The United States loses more babies annually than 28 other nations
Approximately 2,500 babies die of SIDS every year

I knew nothing when I first got pregnant with Stella and Joy. I knew what miscarriage was and knew people who had one, but I thought after 13 weeks I was safe. I didn’t know about “kick counts”. I didn’t know about patterns and changes and what to look for. I didn’t know. Now I do. Please remember our children who were taken well before their time. Speak their names, light a candle on the 15th, wear pink and blue. Anything you do to show your love and support is noticed and appreciated beyond words.

Wednesday, October 31, will be a bittersweet day. I’ll get to enjoy Oliver’s first Halloween. Dressing him up in his skunk costume, lil stinker, and taking lots of pictures to remember the moment for years to come. It will also be the last of of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. The pink and blue will go away. The conversations and awareness will dissipate. The world will go on.

For the entire month I have worn my pink and blue bracelet, made by the Cooper Project. Even as the month comes to an end, I find I’m not ready to take it off. I’m not ready to let go of this month. I’m not ready to look down at my watch and not see the pink and blue string next to it anymore. Even if others don’t know what it means, every time I see it I picture my girls. I see Stella in her coral fleece onesie laying in my arms. I see Joy in her blue fleece onesie being so carefully held by Zach. For that brief second, I see them.

I remember my girls everyday. I have their names forever written on my arm. I wear their names around my neck. I have their pictures on my phone, throughout our house, and even hidden a few places in my classroom. I never forget. I will never forget. I know that on the first of the month when I write my initial post and on the 15th when I ask you all to light a candle and participate in the wave of light, most of you think about my girls. But I also know that most you continue living your lives blissful unaware of what life is like after losing your child. After losing your children. After losing your future and all the plans you made for your family.

There is nothing that can prepare you for hearing those words, “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.” There is even less to prepare you for life after hearing those words. My heart was shattered Friday, December 2, 2016. As October ends and we near Stella & Joy’s two year angelversary, please don’t forget them. Remember that as much as Oliver has helped to heal my heart, it is still very much shattered. Please don’t let my daughters’ memory and your awareness stop at the end of October.