The Best I Can

Today I met with my psychiatrist for the first time in 3 months. He asked how I was doing and I thought “what a loaded question!” But I answered calmly. I told him how much this month has sucked so far. I told I’ve had a few morning where I just didn’t think I was going to make it out of bed. I told him about the day I locked myself in my classroom for two blocks and just cried. I told him how I call Zach when I feel like I just can’t do it anymore. I told him I post and read in the various support groups I’m in online. I told him about the book drive and how we are trying to do some good in this world. I told all of the crazy, sad thoughts and moments in my life the last three months and you know what he said? He told me it sounds like I’m doing the best I can.

The best I can. I say that to myself all the time, I’m doing the best I can. My friends tell me I’m doing the best I can. Zach tells me I’m doing the best I can. Hell, most people tell me I’m doing better than they could! But there was something reaffirming hearing it from a professional. Someone who has been on my journey through mental health the last few years. I was expecting to hear things I could and should be doing differently, but instead my doctor provided me with reassurance. He told me this month was going to be shitty, but more importantly, that that’s ok.

I’m allowed to have bad days. I’m allowed to have moments, hours, days, even weeks of darkness. That doesn’t make me weak. That doesn’t make me crazy. That’s real life. That’s my life! I’m not ashamed that I see a psychiatrist. Quite frankly, I think the more people should, but that is a personal choice. For now, I will continue on this path of healing. I will continue to do the best I can.